hate to break it to you, but the reason you’re not meeting Mr. Right is because you’re too picky.
Yes, I know. You’re either fuming or rolling your eyes right now, but hear me out, please.
This is not a case for settling for the wrong guy or for abandoning all standards. Standards are good. We should be able to list the qualities that are attractive to us—our negotiables and non-negotiables.
However, one can be too picky.
The best way for me to illustrate what I mean is to tell you about my prior fumbling in the dating world.
You see, for a long while, even though I was painfully aware that I wasn’t getting any younger, I still acted as if I were. I sauntered about as if I were a princess in a court, surrounded by dashing nobles.
I really believed I had only to drop my kerchief and men would fight for the chance to pick it up.
I often expressed bemusement when my kerchief turned dusty and dingy from laying abandoned on the floor.
Eventually, I had to get my head out of the clouds and come to terms with the fact that I was not a princess and if I continued to behave as if I were, I would be alone.
How can you tell if you’re too picky?
At this point, it might be hard to discern whether your pickiness is getting in your way or whether you’re just down on your luck. After all, discernment is a tricky thing.
If you even suspect you might be too picky, here are three questions you should ask yourself:
1. Do you find that most men don’t make enough money?
Traditionally, the man is the primary breadwinner. Even though this line of thinking has changed somewhat as our societies modernize, you’d be surprised! The more things seem to change, the more they seem to stay the same.
A “love and money survey,” conducted by Money Management International, found that for couples with annual household incomes of $50,000 or more, 89% said they were happy. However, only 79% of those couples who made less than $50,000 said they were happy.
In another study by Sun Trust bank, 35% of couples said that money was the topic that caused the most friction in their relationships.
So, there is some logic in making sure that your potential husband isn’t under-employed.
However, he doesn’t need to make enough to buy you a mansion either. What if he makes enough to give you a simple life, while spoiling you with you with love and attention? What if he has the potential to be a great father?
It is important that a man makes enough to take care for his family, but if you filter men out by how much they make, you might miss your match.
In the end, one can always scale down financially, but you don’t want to scale down when it comes to a good man.
Trust me on this.
2. Do you find something physically wrong with every man you meet?
Why is it that every time you look at a profile, you scrunch your face?
Either his eyebrows don’t connect, his teeth are crooked, or he has a beer belly.
It might be time for you to consider the “mere exposure effect.”
The “mere exposure effect” is a psychological theory that says that the more you expose yourself to a person, the more attractive you become to him or her.
So why not go on a couple of dates? If he has a great personality, he might sweep you off your feet and you might grow in attraction.
If you don’t have a strong attraction on the first date, he might start looking better to you on the second date.
Listen, I’m not telling you to settle. I’m just saying to give the guy a chance.
After all, if we’re honest ladies, we’ll admit that we all have an imperfection or two that we would love for someone to overlook, wouldn’t we?
3. Do all your friends & ex-boyfriends tell you you’re too picky?
Sometimes, it’s hard for us to look at ourselves objectively, so let’s recruit the friends who love us but are honest to a fault.
Those are the ones you want to listen to.
I say “the friends who love us” because sometimes jealousy is part of the dynamic, and you can’t rely on a toxic friend to give you true advice without putting you down in some way.
However, if most of your trusted friends are constantly telling you that you’re too picky, they might be right.
Make sure when you ask for opinions, you tell them you won’t be offended and just want to know how you can improve.
As women, time marches on faster than we’d like to acknowledge. We want to be selective, but we don’t want to be so picky that we filter out good men, with good hearts, who would make great husband material.
Once I stopped being super picky, I met a sweet handsome, Midwestern guy who is nothing like this NYC girl. We fell in love despite our differences and were married within nine months.
I came to the right realization just in time.
Maybe it’s time for you to come to that realization.
So the next time that blue-collar guy with the gap between his teeth messages you, give him a chance, will you?